My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
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{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.