My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*