My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now