My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!