Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

shut up and take my money

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from