My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Good dog. ❤️
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…