Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.