Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

LOL

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

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I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

Tier 3 meme

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.