My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Cheer up.