My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Now who done made this a sport lmao
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.