Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off