my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I can’t stop watching this.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
