My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Have a lovely day 😊
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Um … Hot Wings please
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen