My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.