My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
You Might Also Like
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Kermit goes Blue.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world