Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

My patience has stretch marks.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.