My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Gemma Correll
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
the prophecy has been fulfilled
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
New tinder profile pic
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.