My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Printer ink is expensive
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.