My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
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I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’