Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here