my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
uh oh
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
who wore it better?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Called it
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!