my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.