Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

i wish we could shoplift online

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’