Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

thank god

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.