My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
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What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Who called it baking and not making love
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL