Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do