My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad