My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
You Might Also Like
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure