Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

I’m not stressed

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.