Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

I stand by it

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”