My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
😅🤣😂
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
