Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog