Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

😐

You were the one.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.