“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.