My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
You Might Also Like
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.