My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
You Might Also Like
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
The devil.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Voodoo map
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.