My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
being a writer on Twitter:
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.