My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Wednesday
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.