Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

I don’t bring my relationship to the social media. I keep it a secret. Even the person I’m dating doesn’t know about my relationship

ㅤ

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.