Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

always be there

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.