Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

The cycle continues

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

lol

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.