Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Sometimes? I’m slipping

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

Limited budget

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

This is hilarious

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

No flush

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan