My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
Drive like no one is watching.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My dad is at it again
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
