My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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