My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
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A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when