My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
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if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
some cats are just doing for fun!
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them