Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

I enjoy a good short stor

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

*me flirting