Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Who chose this font

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

anyone else like Italian cereal

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

Krampus.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

My life in a nutshell

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.