My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
This kid will have a bright future.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
