Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

I want this so bad

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.