My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Perfection.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I need to get some bricks…
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
This is me
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes