Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”