Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.