My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
