My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?