Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.