My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days