Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO