Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

you will never know the true number of layers

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

😂😂

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach