My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
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if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down