Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Mornin. * use accordingly

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”