My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.