Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

The Punning Dead.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”