Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God