My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
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Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.