My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Sticker placement is key.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.