Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

ㅤ

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

This chloroform smells expensiv…

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

I see your IQ test came back negative

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat